Monday 14 September 2009

Things I Learned On Tuesday Night.

Ok, first of all my apologies at only getting around to writing up a round up the events that occurred on Tuesday, 8th of September in the Old Crown Public House, otherwise known as the 2009 Twenty Quid Music Prize, now but I was combatting a lack of internet until Friday, and a lack of arsed-ness til just now...

However, I shall not leave you in the dark any longer. Here is a quick round up/blow by blow account of interesting stuff that happened/that I learned/that left me thinking wtf?!/etc...


1)Frankmusik is knocked out WAAAY too early.

2) ...but really the wrong Frankmusik song was nominated.

3) There are a vast number of judges with occupations involved in the music industry in some way, shape or form.

4) ...however their influence amounts to nothing in the face of an extremely loud, and very annoying civil servant.

5) ...and an extremely opinionated Tory

6) ...this is also the point where everyone realised that Methods Of Modern Love really DOES sound like The One by Kylie Minogue.

7) During the FACE-OFF OF DOOM between Tinchy Stryder and Girls Aloud, Nicola from Girls Aloud takes it upon herself to just saunter in, completely unannounced.

8) Cue open-mouthed staring...

9) More staring.

10) ...and yet more staring.

11) All the while, the research scientist from Slough (whom I am relying on for a much needed picture with my idol as I have no camera of my own) becomes progressively more pissed next to me.

12) ...between the staring and pissed-ness, we become less and less likely to be candidates for a photo op with Nicola.

13) ...which is completely understandable.

14) Smokers break yields some fascinating conclusions.

15) Conclusion 1: they would prefer Calvin Harris' I'm Not Alone to be played at their funeral as opposed to La Roux's In For The Kill. Obv.

16) Conclusion 2: STOP EVERYTHING. One of the judges is wearing Dougie from McFly's actual shorts.

17) Everyone in the room pauses to take in the enormity of the above mentioned revelation.

18) At this point, Pet Shop Boys come up against JLS for another FACE-OFF OF DOOM.

19) Unfortunately JLS's lyrical message of emotional blackmail fails to top that of PSB's desire for equal opportunities shagging.

20) ...understandably enough.

21) JLS v The Saturdays.

22) Actually, this one takes quite a while...

23) The civil servant attempts to take on the scouser. Bad move. Evils are exchanged for rest of evening.

24) Still arguing over JLS v The Sats.

25) The decision comes down to Nicola.

26) Scoop of the evening: JLS are better drinking buddies than The Saturdays! Juicy!

27) As a result of their hard drinking ways, JLS finally knock out The Sats. The gay guy from Wales next to me mourns.

28) Quick check of the live tweets. One of the judges warns that it is pointless buying Dumper (the work experience robot) drinks as he is not good for reciprocation.

29) Judge to the right of me gets a picture with Dumper. Life goal is achieved and hugs are exchanged.

30) Girls by Sugababes is voted worst song of the past year.

31) ...I voted for Pixie Lott. Nicola votes for The Loving Kind... wait, what?!?!

32) Little Boots New In Town is knocked out.


34) JUST LIKE THAT?! BASTARDS!! *runs away crying*

35) I request a moment of silence for Little Boots untimely demise. Peter Robinson looks at me as if I have two heads. Moving on...

36) Calvin Harris v Lily Allen in GRAPH DRAWING FACE-OFF OF DOOM.

37) Judging panel feel Lily Allen graph drawing may have been rigged due to graphic artist's preference for Calvin.

38) Considerably trolleyed research scientist from Slough attempts to analyse graphs. Fails miserably. Lily is out.

39) The Saturdays v Girls Aloud. OH GOD.

40) Cue tactful arguments for and against Girls Aloud for the benefit of Nicola. Welsh gay guy becomes more and more agitated. Things are getting a little too political for his liking...

41) The Sats are knocked out fairly quickly. I blame the Tories.

42) Alesha Dixon is drawn. FINALLY!!!

43) Alesha song is played. Trolleyed research scientist launches into hilarious dance. All observe the scene before them in awe...

44) ...but the dance cannot save Alesha. She is trashed quicker than you can say Strictly Come Dancing.

45) THE FINAL SHOWDOWN: Calvin Harris v Girls Aloud.

46) Becomes quite obv who is going to win as Nicola's presence becomes ever more potent... "its just not... appropriate!!" opines gay Welsh guy in frustration... I feel his pain.

47) Dumper fan states that The Promise blatantly rips off the Blankety Blank theme tune.

48) Strong air of resignation in the air. Strong swell of support for Calvin towards the end, purely out of defiance at this stage...

49) Alas however the Tories win out yet again and GA take the prize for the 5th TIME IN 7 YEARS!!

50) "I really wanted a guy to win this year..." opines Welsh gay guy. "22 vaginas have won in the past 7 years. Did you know that?"

51) ...I did not know that. Maybe it is time for a penis... But we'll have to wait until next year to find out if that will ever happen.

All in all readers, a very productive and drunken evening was had by all. The power of pop still remains the most uniting force in music and that it will always stay, no matter how the musical landscape may change in the years to come that we can be sure.

A word of warning however: If any one of you humble readers ever find youself lucky enough to take part in the wonder that is Popjustice 20quid Music Prize in years to come, please be aware of the following things...

  1. Peter Robinson, though he is my idol, is still at heart a somewhat opportunistic git who will have no qualms about making you look like an absolute tit in front of legendary pop producer/general all round genius Richard X.
  2. Before launching into a detailed, mainly negative critique of a pop song produced by Richard X, please make sure you are not ACTUALLY babbling away to Richard X himself as you are doing it... *cringe*
Oh, and I did get my pic wit Nicola in the end...

(The girl in the middle is the above mentioned research scientist... what a legend.)


The Great Mortomer said...

Hahaha, that really sounds like a night designed for Sally! I'm glad you had fun! P.s. Nicola looks a little worse for wear, doesn't she?

P.p.s. "22 vaginas have won in the past 7 years. Did you know that?"


ChrisNoise said...

I'm ok with Vaginas winning.

How in gods name did that guy get yer man from McFlys shorts?!?

sodthemachine said...

apparently the short wearing judge in question went out with Dougie's ex... i think...

but yeah overall, vaginas make the best pop music really... (no offence to the penises of pop)